God’s grace is painted on the canvas of despair. – T.D. Jakes
Tag: depression
Showers of Blessing, Seasons of Refreshing
All praise to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ. (Ephesians 1:3 NLT)
The main character on the old TV show “Maude” had an expression: “God is going to get you for that.”
It was funny in the way death and taxes and old age jokes are funny, because behind a lot of humour there is a vault of anger and feelings of helplessness. Some people who want to be in the business of speaking for God must be taking Maude more seriously than she took herself, because there are a lot of God-is-gonna-get-you-for-that doom and gloom prophecies abounding on the internet lately. Lots of shoulds with no hows. Given the dire predictions that God is fed up with our behaviour (and voting patterns apparently) and is going to switch from showering us with blessings to dumping nasty judgments on us, I have to stop and ask, Is that God? What does the voice of God actually sound like?
Lately I was totally rattled when I heard the voice of condemnation saying, “You are not good enough… you are a disappointment… you have failed… who do you think you are…”
All those things were factual. I have failed and disappointed people. I had not lived up to even my own standards. I felt shame (more than “I did something wrong,” but “I am something wrong”) and I didn’t know how to fix it. I spiraled down rapidly. I stood on the precipice of depression again.
Then, in His kindness, the Lord brought words of correction into my life through a random podcast and when a page fell out of my journal He reminded me that this part of the journey is about learning to better discern His voice for myself.
“The fruit of the Spirit,” said the speaker, “characterizes the way the Holy Spirit speaks.” I understand that to mean that it’s His fruit, not something I have to conjure up on my own. It is His character. He is love. He is peace. When He speaks He speaks with the voice of love, of kindness, of the reassurance of His faithfulness in seeing me through and does not reject or condemn me. His tone is gentle, kind, patient and peaceful because that’s who He is.
A question: Even if it was firm, was the voice that told you that you are a failure gentle, patient, kind, joyful, inviting you to a deeper relationship? If not, it was not Him. Wrong voice. If God is asking you to change the way you think so that it shows up in your choices He gives you access to His patience and self-control. With every challenge that will help you grow there is a provision set aside – a spiritual blessing in the heavenly realms – that will enable you to change. You need to keep your eyes on Him to access it.
Of course we reap what we sow. That’s a universal principle so obvious that even toddlers get it. Pull the cat’s tail and there is a natural consequence. Act in a self-centered manner and there is a consequence. But the voice of God doesn’t condemn and leave us there. It goes beyond should to how – and the how is all about relationship and drawing closer to Him. His voice shows us how to hit the refresh button, to agree that we have been wrong and want to change the way we think, and to feel the joy of knowing we are forgiven and starting fresh.
Instead of “I am going to get you,” He says, “Don’t worry. I’ve still got you – and I love you very, very much. I will strengthen you and help you. I began this work in you and I will complete it.”
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All the Time
Trust the past to God’s mercy, the present to God’s love and the future to God’s providence.
-St. Augustine
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Sometimes There Are No Words
Did any of you parents ever hear your child wake from sleep with some panic fear and shriek the mother’s name through the darkness? Was not that a more powerful appeal than all words? And, depend upon it, that the soul which cries aloud on God, “the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,” though it have “no language but a cry,” will never call in vain.
– Alexander MacLaren
My friend’s handsome young son is dead.
In a moment of hopeless despair he took his own life.
All I can do is cry out.
I have no more words than that.
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Swamped
I’m swamped.
I’ve heard this expression a lot lately.
I’d like to help you, but I’m swamped because …
I’m mired down in this project that has had one delay after another.
I want to move on, but I get bogged down in old memories.
I can’t take on anything new. I’m still slogging through the consequences of the last disappointment.
I’m stuck – too far in to turn back, and too tired to move forward.
I may have said some of these things myself. We’re finally finishing up a renovation project that was costly and didn’t really make any visual improvements. We had a mild water problem to deal with that had gone on for years (the consequence of living downhill from people who also get rained on). After delays and interruptions the sheet rock is back up, the walls primed and painted and the furniture moved back in, but it’s not like those dramatic reveals on the renovation shows on TV. After all that work it looks very much the same as it did six months ago. But now the foundation is dry and solid and that nagging worry about what nastiness might be growing out of sight is gone. We can now put our efforts toward something more exciting.
Sometimes we need to deal with stuff in our lives that we have been ignoring for a long time. After a while we get bogged down, and whether it’s somebody else’s mess or our own that is swamping us, we need to deal with the soggy secret problems that other people may not see, but keep us from moving forward.
Thank God we are not alone.
A few years back I had to give up the facade of being “just fine thank you” and deal with stagnant emotions that had collected in the low spots in my life. God was faithful and kind, and although it took longer than I wanted it to, it was such a relief to reach solid ground. I can say, “He reached down and drew me from the deep, dark hole where I was stranded, mired in the muck and clay.” The end result may not look very much different to observers, but I have a greater appreciation for the Holy Spirit, the paraclete, the One who comes along side, and because He is showing me how He sees me, I have a more solid foundation.
If the swamp is where you are, take heart. There is hope. It may take time but the Lord can pull you out if it. You will run on solid ground.
David understood. He wrote about it in Psalm 40. Some excerpts:
I waited a long time for the Eternal;
He finally knelt down to hear me.
He listened to my weak and whispered cry.
He reached down and drew me
from the deep, dark hole where I was stranded, mired in the muck and clay.
With a gentle hand, He pulled me out
To set me down safely on a warm rock;
He held me until I was steady enough to continue the journey again.
As if that were not enough,
because of Him my mind is clearing up.
Now I have a new song to sing—
a song of praise to the One who saved me…
You have done so many wonderful things,
had so many tender thoughts toward us, Eternal my God,
that go on and on, ever-increasing.
Who can compare with You?…
Please, Eternal One, don’t hold back Your kind ways from me.
I need Your strong love and truth
to stand watch over me and keep me from harm.
Right now I can’t see because I am surrounded by troubles;
my sins and shortcomings have caught up to me,
so I am swimming in darkness.
Like the hairs on my head, there are too many to count,
so my heart deserts me.
O Eternal One, please rescue me.
O Eternal One, hurry; I need Your help…
But may all who look for You discover true joy and happiness in You;
May those who cherish how You save them
always say, “O Eternal One, You are great and are first in our hearts.”
Meanwhile, I am empty and need so much,
but I know the Lord is thinking of me.
You are my help; only You can save me, my True God.
Please hurry.
The Voice (VOICE)
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Thanks for the Memories
“...The Lord showed me the reason I didn’t think he answered my prayers. It was simply that I was not thankful when He did. Without an attitude of thanksgiving those memories were lost to me.” -Lara Merz
The new book While He Lay Dying is touching some sore spots for some people. I understand. The story hit a lot of mine as well -sore spots that God was putting pressure on, like a kind doctor who looked into my eyes while asking, “Does that hurt?”
The intent of the doctor is not to torment you, but to heal you, but first he needs to identify the source of the pain by having you acknowledge it.
I do believe that prayer is more about learning to listen to God than handing him my Christmas wish list, or a job description of my design with expectations I think he needs to meet. Still he invites us to come to him with all our cares and needs and with prayers and petitions – with thanksgiving – and present our requests. The thanksgiving is actually for our sakes, because being grateful for the things he has done for us already helps us remember and come in faith.
I met a woman a few years ago who, like I had been, was mired in chronic depression. Healing from depression can involve more than one avenue since this wretched condition affects every part of our lives – mental, physical, spiritual, emotional, relational. But one of the glimmers of light in that cave of darkness begins to shine when we are willing to be thankful for one thing. Thanking God for just one thing is like picking up the first crumb that leads to a trail of crumbs -more things to be thankful for. The trail leads to the exit of the dark cave. I asked her to tell God one thing she was thankful for. She refused. She could think of nothing -as she sat in a large warm house, in a free country, with a good meal, and all her expenses cared for by a generous family member, comforted by friends who constantly tried to reach out to her. “My life is too bitter,” she said.
Another person said, “Sure. God healed your son-in-law. How nice for you. But why be thankful? There is no guarantee he’ll be here next Christmas. He could be hit by a bus, or another tragedy could strike your family. It happens all the time. Where was God when this happened and that happened? Look at the news this week and what about the time I prayed and he didn’t give me the answer I wanted?”
Do you see how quickly we can lose the memory of a miraculous response to prayer and forget God’s goodness when we refuse to be grateful and choose to focus on disappointment? It was like turning away from the spot of light in a dark cave and saying, “So you saw something that might point to a light, or maybe even an exit of some sort. How nice for you. But my experience is that it is dark in this cave. Look at all the places where there is no light. Don’t remind me of my pain. There is no hope.”
Of course we all die. Miracles are not about having perfect circumstances and a care-free life. Signs point to something -or Someone. Signs are not the destination. Don’t park there. Keep moving.
A friend reminded me yesterday that those of us born in the 50’s have lived in two centuries and two millennium -and people we knew in our youth had been born in the 1800’s. He made me think. One of the most influential people in my life, my grandmother, was born in 1909. My granddaughter was born in 2009 -100 years later, and yet these two people are central in my memories. I am so thankful for them. I am especially thankful that my grandmother told me the stories of God’s provision, even through the most horrible experiences -from the death of her kitten as a wee girl to the death of her two children as a young mother. Yes, she found herself in dark places sometimes, but she always came out singing, because she remembered her answered prayers, and thankfulness pinned those memories down for her. She knew the God she appealed to, and the longer she knew him, the more she loved him. A few weeks before she died she told me, “Death holds no fear for me. It is a wide-open door to the light. And my dear Jesus is standing there, arms open, waiting to wipe away all my tears.”
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Fifty Shades of Peace
“I am leaving you with a gift—peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give is a gift the world cannot give. So don’t be troubled or afraid.” -Jesus
Jesus’ peace is not dependent on circumstances. When Holy Spirit lives in us, His peace is in our hearts, no matter what. So don’t let your heart -or your mind- be troubled. The voice that troubles, and makes you think you are not good enough for God to love, is not His.
He loves you with an everlasting love.
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Therefore I remember
The world lost another beloved soul to depression today. I enjoyed Robin William’s work very much and will always remember his twinkling blue eyes. But I also understand that humour often springs from pain. I remember what it is like to be in that lonely place without hope — in the midst of other people enjoying life. I am re-blogging a remembrance of that place in hope… in hope that knowing that someone has survived hopelessness will allow one more person, perhaps you, to let someone else carry hope for you when the darkness seems unending… in hope that the Light will fill your heart and never leave.
Someone asked me recently, “What is the difference between heartache and depression?” Having known both I could answer, “Heartache causes you to cry out, in your pain, to the God of hope; depression causes you to lose sight of hope.”
I do not believe that humankind faces any greater pain than the loss of hope. I’ve had a lot of painful physical problems in my life, but none so bad that I wanted to die just so the pain would stop. Depression made me want to die.
I was familiar with the sense that the dark clouds were again descending and feeling helpless to stop the storm that sucked all the colour out of my life. If you understand what I mean by this, I urge you to keep your eyes on the sliver of light on the horizon, and when it disappears, to cling by faith to the memory…
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The Reveal
Our inclination is to show our Lord only what we feel comfortable with. But the more we dare to reveal our whole trembling self to him, the more we will be able to sense that his love, which is perfect love, casts out all our fears.
– Henri Nouwen
In the theatre, I have seen some marvelous sets -the kind that made the audience gasp, once when the curtains opened and the lights went up, and twice when the scrim rose later. As one who stood nervously trembling in the wings, waiting for my cue, I know what the other side looks like. It was dramatically different from what the audience saw. But often, for the actors and crew, the backstage camaraderie could be the best part of a production.
There are parts of ourselves we have learned to keep in the dark. (Well some of us have. What is it with boys and bodily function humour?)
God is not shocked by our imperfections and half-formed concepts, nor is He fooled by smoke and mirrors.
In His presence, unashamed, without make-up and costumes. That’s where we know we are truly loved.
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Restoration
I planted tulips the year we moved into this house 26 years ago. Then the deer moved into our neighbourhood. Deer like tulips -for breakfast. They devour them like Lindt chocolates (and seem to prefer the red ones). After a while no tulips sprang up when the spring sun warmed the garden and I didn’t plant anymore. Occasionally tulip leaves emerged, but either they formed no flowers or the deer nipped them in the bud and they shrank back into the ground quickly. I forgot all about them.
This year three brave tulips are blooming under my window, returning after all these years.
Some people are like that. The period of “the dark night of the soul” may last a long time. The “devourer” has kept them from raising their heads and freely being who they are created to be. The years of darkness, when no growth can be seen, can last a very long time. Mine did. There were people who lost hope for me as depression and negativity kept me in a shallow grave year after year.
Mine did. There were people who lost hope for me as depression and negativity kept me in a shallow grave year after year.
There were people who lost hope for me as depression and negativity kept me in a shallow grave year after year.
But God…
God is in the restoration business. Time is not as important as process to him. He knows who we really are, and he is not disappointed.
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have obtained our introduction by faith into this grace in which we stand; and we exult in hope of the glory of God. And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope; and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:1-5)
Charis: Subject to Change 