Dappled things

Photo: Lungwort and bee

Being a bit of a dappled thing myself, I have long appreciated this poem by Gerard Manley Hopkins.

Pied Beauty

 

GLORY be to God for dappled things—

For skies of couple-colour as a brinded cow;

For rose-moles all in stipple upon trout that swim;

Fresh-firecoal chestnut-falls; finches’ wings;

Landscape plotted and pieced—fold, fallow, and plough;

And áll trádes, their gear and tackle and trim.

 

All things counter, original, spare, strange;

Whatever is fickle, freckled (who knows how?)

With swift, slow; sweet, sour; adazzle, dim;

He fathers-forth whose beauty is past change:

Praise him.

He restores my soul

Beside the creek in the cool of the evening

I have joy.

For many years I could not say that. The best I could do was say, “I’ll be happy when…

when this course is over,

when I have a driver’s license,

when I am married,

when this baby is born,

when tax season is over,

when the swelling goes down,

when I get my Dad settled in his new home,

when the bills are paid,

when the house is clean and organized,

when my kids are doing well,

when their bills are paid…”

There was always a reason to postpone enjoying the moment, something that still needed improvement, some potential disappointment that needed guarding against.

I used to think that when I managed to finish everything on the job list I could reward myself with feeling a little joy.

I rarely finished the to-do list -and never finished the worry list. That list I took to bed with me.

Jesus said his burden was light.

Mine wasn’t.

I lumbered from burn-out to burn-out and laboured under thick layers of guilt.

In a dream, the Lord showed me a heavy suitcase. It was full of things that needed prayer. He said sometimes I needed to set it down. It would wear me out if I carried it all the time. Sometimes I needed to leave it with him, walk away and enjoy the scenery.

In a way, that is why I took up photography and painting. They make me pay attention and become more aware of beauty. The evening  light does not wait until the paperwork is done and the hedge is clipped and all the hungry people in the world are fed and all the sick are healed.

Sometimes on this journey we need to leave the heavy stuff and the “whys” in his care and sit by the stream in the cool of the evening and allow our souls to be restored. Right here, mid-crisis, in the hidden grottos of the valley, with all of the threats and fears and opposition looking on like jealous, ravenous beasts, God prepares a place of rest and safety and refreshing for us.

I am learning (slowly) to set the suitcase down, step into the joyful freshness of God’s presence and allow him to restore my soul -in that infinitely tiny and infinitely spacious moment called “now.” That’s where the battle is won.

Thank you, Lord. You are good.

To a wild rose

Photo: wild rose

…man is distinguished from both animals and machines on the basis of his moral motions, his need for love, his fear of non-being and his longings for beauty and for meaning.

Francis Schaeffer

Allaylloollah!

Photo: grandparents

I was with my daughter when the doctor who performed emergency surgery to save her life, in a tiny hospital on a tiny Caribbean island, told her she would probably have a lot of difficulty having children. She had been hemorrhaging from a ruptured cyst. The lining of her womb, that which should have been sacred and set apart to nurture new life, was growing throughout her abdomen and damaging other organs like some blasphemous invader.

My heart ached for her. I had difficulty conceiving myself and I remembered weeping month after month, year after year as disappointment flowed out of my body.

Four years later she called me after a fertility specialist delivered his final verdict to her and her wonderful husband. Too many blockages, too many malformations, too much damage from surgery. A baby conceived by natural means was extremely unlikely to happen. The best he could offer was powerful medication that put her into menopause to slow down the course of the disease and gave her respite from the intense pain. Perhaps someday she might be well enough to try in vitro.

I cried.

She didn’t.

Somehow the two of them had faith that God would hear their prayers. In fact they treated the specialist’s report after exploratory surgery as proof positive that when God gave them a child it would be a miracle. It was officially documented.

A few weeks later while at some meetings in Florida, five different men spoke to her over a period of several days and told her God was giving her “the desire of her heart.” One (named Bob) said he saw “sperm meetin’ egg” and another (named Bobby) even nudged her husband and joked in a Texas drawl, “You know faith without works is dead.” These were not the kind of ministers I was used to.

I had heard about people who were supposedly prophetic and seen reports of those said to be endowed by the Holy Spirit with healing gifts from God, but it was all theoretical. I believed God could do it in His sovereign will, but He didn’t seem to want to much. I have been attending a decently-and-in-order mainline church and some of the stuff she was telling me about witnessing was so far out of my comfort zone I ran up to the hills to pray that they would not be hurt by deception. I was the one who needed prayer that I would not allow my own cultural blinders and judgmental attitude to limit faith in the goodness of God.

Within a month she was pregnant.

The fertility specialist was shocked!

So was I!

Our precious, extremely unlikely granddaughter was born almost exactly one year after the doctor’s pronouncement. There is no doubt in our minds that she is a miracle.

My daughter had hoped she was healed, but the old pattern of severe pain and ruptured cysts began again when the baby was weaned. Her doctor cautioned her against getting her hopes up, saying conception again was unlikely, but suggested that they not postpone trying to have another child if that’s what they wanted. Within two weeks she was pregnant. Our precious highly unlikely miracle grandson will be two years old later this summer.

A while ago our daughter had surgery again to routinely “clean out” more patches of endometriosis. They found none.

Today she and her husband officially announced the expected due date of the arrival of their third child – New Year’s Day. She gave me a gift last time I visited — a pregnancy test with a + sign on it. Attached was a note: I guess you could say we’re addicted to miracles!

It’s the best gift I’ve ever received that somebody peed on!

God is good –and He is still in the miracle business.

As our little grandson would say, “ALLAYLLOOLLAH!”

And from the ground there blossoms red

Peony

O Love that will not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in thee;

I give thee back the life I owe,

That in thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be.

 

O light that followest all my way,

I yield my flickering torch to thee;

My heart restores its borrowed ray,

That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day

May brighter, fairer be.

 

O Joy that seekest me through pain,

I cannot close my heart to thee;

I trace the rainbow through the rain,

And feel the promise is not vain,

That morn shall tearless be.

 

O Cross that liftest up my head,

I dare not ask to fly from thee;

I lay in dust life’s glory dead,

And from the ground there blossoms red

Life that shall endless be.

-George Matheson

Windmills and green grass

Photo: Windmills -on my way home this afternoon

Sing to the Lord with thanksgiving;

make melody to our God on the lyre!

He covers the heavens with clouds;

he prepares rain for the earth;

he makes grass grow on the hills.

(Psalm 147:7-8)

The Valley of Trouble

Photo: Valley on the Jasper Parkway

After spending the week with my two wee grandchildren I am even more convinced one of the greatest challenges we face as humans is the tyranny of “the wants.”

The little guy is not quite two years old, and for a not quite two-year old is adorable, affectionate and pretty considerate. But he is discovering he has a will.

I am learning to phrase my questions in a way to make “No!”  the desired answer.

“You don’t want to stay awake all afternoon, do you?”

“No!”

“Do you want to leave your toys out of the toy box like this?”

“No!”

Even so there is the problem with the abundance of choice. His latest favourite phrases this week are, “Another one,” and “Something else.” Two bites into a snack it occurs to him that there are other fruits in the fridge and other crackers in the cupboard.

“Something else” also tends to be the something else his sister is playing with. I tried to explain to her that the easiest way to get a toy back is to offer him something even more attractive than what he is trying to seize.

That worked really well until she noticed that he now had something better than she did and the grabbing began again. When I tried to play mediator she said, “But I WANT it.” That’s her trump card. But I WANT it!

She looks at me with that desperate victim of craving look I have seen too many times. WANT is here. It must be satisfied. Don’t you understand, Nana?

Oh sweetie. Do I understand? The truth is, although I have learned not to say it out loud, at least not in a whiney tone that could make wallpaper want to curl itself back up the wall, inside I still want to stomp my plump little feet and whine, “but I WANT it!” It is so easy to stand knee-deep in a room full of abundant choices and cry, “But I WANT the one he has.”

What  I want:

I want you two to play quietly and safely together so I can chase rabbit trails on my laptop.

I want a new cordless mouse. This one is annoying.

I want to eat a bowl of almonds and chocolate chips and drink a real cream full fat caffeine-laced latte after 2 in the afternoon.

I want to play MY music –loudly– if only to get the “Yes my name is Iggle-Piggle” song out of my head.

I want to be loving and persevering and patient and merciful and compassionate and good without any challenges in my life.

I want faith without ever having to wrestle with doubt.

I want joy in the morning without weeping in the night.

I WANT it!

But my little granddaughter said something very mature for her three years yesterday. She said she would rather take her nap a little early so she would have more time with her Daddy later in the day when he was finished his work –even though she really, really wanted to stay up longer and had that option. She was willing to ignore the WANT monster for the greater reward of relationship with her father. I love this kid.

I’ve heard it said we need much more preparation to survive times of abundance than we do to survive hard times. Hard times teach us that God is our provider. Only those who understand where true wealth lies can handle abundance and not be distracted by it.

 

Transparent, yet deep

Photo: Crowsnest Lake

Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, remembering that as members of the same body you are called to live in harmony, and never forget to be thankful for what God has done for you. (Colossians 3:15)

An attitude of thankfulness allows us the freedom of vulnerability. It is only when we begin to comprehend the richness of God’s love that we can dare to be transparent before Him and others and allow Him to do a deep work in our hearts. It takes a lot of trust to expose the lies we have believed and the lies we told others –or ourselves.

Deep ain’t cheap. But Jesus Christ paid the price.