I thought I had forgiven, but it was hard. Every time some innocuous thing triggered a painful memory, I prayed hard to forgive again.
I thought I had forgiven, but I hadn’t. I forgave them for bumping into me and knocking me off balance. “There were extenuating circumstances,” I reasoned. “I’m sure they didn’t mean it.”
I thought I had forgiven, but I hadn’t. I thought I was just knocked over, but I wasn’t.
I couldn’t ignore the damage done. I had been trampled, broken. My trust lay in the dust in too many shattered pieces to fix. Even the desire to be the good person in this scenario was not a strong enough glue to hold my heart together. I wanted revenge. I wanted payback!
I made up an invoice and looked squarely at the cost of repercussions from their actions that played out for years.
“Oh God,” I cried. “This is too much! I can’t get by without what they owe me!”
“Take your hands off their throats,” He said. “I forgave you. When I was on the cross, I said ‘Tetelestai.’ It was finished. Done. All legal requirements met. I paid your debt. I paid their debt. Take your hands off their throats. Give up any expectation that they will someday apologize or give what they owe.”
“But how am I to live?”
“Empty your hands so I can fill them. I am your provider. I will give you everything you need.”
“Listen, beloved, I am telling you the truth.
I will give you what you need. I will even give you the trust you need to trust Me.
I give you My love first, so you can then love.
It all comes from Me.
It always has.”
Creative Meditations for Lent, Prompt word: Forgive